film review: ‘The Last Stand’

“The Last Stand” marks Arnold Schwarzenegger’s return to the film industry after not having a lead role since 2003, with the exception of “The Expendables.” This Schwarzenegger film is hilarious, but unfortunately it is not a comedy. This sad attempt at an action movie only makes one statement to the world: Arnold Schwarzenegger is a badass.

Complete with melodramatic dialogue, cheesy combat sequences and a horribly constructed plot, “The Last Stand” is only worth seeing due to the extreme cheesiness turned into laugh out loud hilarity.

Sheriff Ray Owens (Schwarzenegger) recently left the LAPD narcotics post and moved to a small town in the middle of nowhere California. The high crime life involves checking up on farmers and catching speeders. However, this boredom suddenly turns exciting when one farmer turns up dead.

In other news, the most notorious drug lord, Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Norlega), escaped from an FBI prison and is now trying to make his way across the Mexican border. Unfortunate for Cortez, he happened to cross Schwarzenegger’s turf. In referring to Sheriff Owens, he must be called Schwarzenegger since this is nothing but a full-fledged Schwarzenegger film. Saying Owens and expecting it to have a terrifying affect doesn’t quite work out very well.

Words cannot describe the horribleness of this film. The audience laughed when characters died due to the lack of character development. Every aspect of the film was over played and melodramatic. This could have been the director’s intent, but that’s very unlikely.

Every single character was extremely dumb and had the audience wishing they would die—every character, except Schwarzenegger that is. He comes across as Schwarzenegger, nothing more and nothing less. He is an action hero and world-class badass. His sense of humor is priceless and he adds entertainment to such a mind-numbing script. However, it is a little odd that someone with such a strange accent would end up in a small town close to Mexico.

Although Schwarzenegger is once again Schwarzenegger…wow, that name just seems to feel longer every time it’s typed…his character lacks depth and deals heavily in contradictions. Owens has difficulty walking and calls himself old, yet Schwarzenegger beats up the bad guys with ease.

This movie seems to have been made for the sole purpose of making Schwarzenegger look cool again. The script and the other sad excuses for creating production value are irrelevant. As long as the tough guy shoots up the bad guy, everyone’s happy, right? Yes, they are indeed.

Every person who buys a ticket for this movie only wants to see bad guys get owned. Schwarzenegger not only beats up everyone, but he also has high-tech guns. These aren’t just your ordinary guns; these are Schwarzenegger’s guns, meaning they’re awesome. Simple as that.

If you are not a Schwarzenegger fan or are unfamiliar with his previous films, this review may make no sense. Just remember, Arnold Schwarzenegger equals awesomeness. He blows up the bad guys and the planet is saved. This plot is present in almost all of his films.

Overall, Schwarzenegger is a badass. That is all.

egolden@unews.com